Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Amendment to post #195 in EMK blog

Ok. So I posted the following reply on EMK's blog post re: Is Sex on the Third Date the New Normal? and, as always, left out some thoughts...

I'm going add in RED below what I left out...

KARMIC EQUATION #195

@Fusee 194

We’re actually not as far apart as first thought.

I agree with you that the GOAL of dating is to obtain the relationship you’re looking for (marriage, other LTR, fling, whatever)…But I still think that the APPROACH to dating is to make a friend — not to actually KEEP the person as a friend, BTW, unless you want to.

It’s always a lot easier for me to get my point across with an example, so please bear with me while I try to explain…

I was a late bloomer, didn’t have my first “real” kiss until I was 18; no dates (and virginal) until 19, which is ancient by today’s standards! I remember after I started dating but before I lost my virginity…every date I went on, I was thinking is this the guy, will I someday have sex with this one, how will it feel, is tonight the night, etc. Basically because I was so obsessed with my virginity and when I would lose it that I did not pay attention to my date as a person (compare my need then to find the right sex partner to your need now to find right marriage partner - very similar IMHO) -- and thus I treated the date as something spectacular that my life could hinge on -- instead of something more normal, like figuring out. Did I like him? Was he fun to be around? Was he a gentleman? I was so in my own head, I didn’t have time to really get to know if the guy I was on a date with was a good person, e.g., someone who had the qualities to be a good friend…because I think we can agree that the person we end up married to should be a good friend to us and a good person in general.  

AFTER I lost my viriginity, I paid attention to my dates the right way. I dated men and talked to them like my friend (not close friend, but friend) — I asked questions (not where do you live, what do you do, etc.) but things like, What did you do today? Did you have fun doing that? What did you find the most fun? Was that stressful, etc…And in doing that, I got to know my date as a person. This is what I meant by approaching dating to make a friend. Not to actually make a friend, but to make sure that there is no strange agenda in the back of your mind to keep you from seeing your date for who he is, which allows you to more clearly assess how *you* feel about the date and the guy. And you take the pressure off the date and yourself. There is no pressure if you're just trying to decide if this guy makes a good friend...but wow MEGAPRESSURE if you're trying to figure out if the guy is fit to be your "partner." That internal pressure is going to affect your behavior. Count on that. And really, the first few dates should be finding out the good qualities in the guy, not whether he's ready for an minivan in the 'burbs.

If there is attraction, then there would be flirtation…it’s natural. The conversations get slightly more personal (in a good way), in addition to the friendship questions/conversation. If there is no attraction then no flirtation. And as women and great conversationalists that we are, we can steer the no attraction conversations such that we know that they won’t ask for a 2nd date. If we like the guy, we keep it friendly and flirtatious (in a good way)…and hope our conversation and what we shared and how we shared it in that conversation would elicit a another date. Then each date we show more of who we are and get the guy to be more of who he is…and you go from their to your relationshp GOALS.

Sorry for the long post. I don’t know how to get this nuance across any other way.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my, i am going exactly through that stage of yours as we speak. I am so hung up on this virginity thing :( it makes me depressed to the point that i started to avoid going out and talking to boys. Ugh... I'm 22 and feel that i will end up a crazy cat lady, who never had a real boyfriend or even sex.

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  2. Well, don't be depressed about your virginity. I wasn't depressed. I was annoyed. If I had a choice, I would have to preferred to have lost my virginity to a man I was deeply in love with. That wasn't in the cards as the guy I was deeply in love with had a gf (of 7 years to be exact, he was about 3 years older than me). So, in my not-quite-mature mind, I figured if I couldn't lose it to him, I might as well just lose it to the next good looking guy I was attracted to. And I did. May I ask why you're still a virgin? Are you religious? Did you lack opportunity? Have you just not been attracted to anyone enough? Are you afraid? You don't have to tell me why, but perhaps you should answer these questions to yourself to gain some clarity.

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  3. Great post Karmic.

    “I was a late bloomer, didn’t have my first “real” kiss until I was 18; no dates (and virginal) until 19, which is ancient by today’s standards”

    Ha, would you believe that I followed almost exactly the same path! I was 18 for my proper first kiss too, and lost my virginity at 19 – I was desperate at that stage (and wonder if it lead to over-compensating for this desperation later in life – perpetually trying to assuage that anxiety, hmm).

    Although I suspect that the official statistics on age of loss of virginity are exaggerated a bit due to teenage angst - I’ve just known so many people who were well into their 20s before losing theirs, but only have the guts to admit years after the fact.

    “I was thinking is this the guy, will I someday have sex with this one, how will it feel, is tonight the night, etc”.

    I was like, please God someone, anyone, have sex with me.

    “Basically because I was so obsessed with my virginity and when I would lose it that I did not pay attention to my date as a person”

    Yep I think we all experience that obsession - until it happens it’s the biggest worry in the world.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Tom, LOL. As you've probably figured out, I don't blog that often and didn't even see this post until 3 YEARS LATER. OMG! I'm so sorry it took so long. Anyway if you want to chat ever email me at the blog name all one word and add gmail dot com to the end. Talk soon, I hope!

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