Showing your "true self" when dating

In response to the Less Masculine = More Feminine blog post on The Rules Revisited:

We show different sides of ourselves to different people:

• with your child, you're your "mommy" self
• with your boss, you are your "subordinate" self
• with those who report to you, you're your "boss" self
• with your mother, you're your "mom's daughter" self
• with your father, you're your "daddy's daughter" self
• with your younger sister, you're your "older sister" self
• with your older brother, you're your "younger sister" self
• and so on... 

Would you argue that each of those selves that you show to those people are making you "compromise" yourself or make you "less" of yourself in some way? I don't think so. You're showing the side of yourself that is most appropriate with the audience. Would you show your "mommy self" to your "boss"? No.

So why would any of you question showing your most feminine self to men you want to attract? How is doing that being any less you than when you're showing your mommy self to your child or your daddy's little girl self to your dad?

Wouldn't showing your best feminine self be the most effective way of showing a man the "woman" you are? Men are looking for "women" not versions of themselves with boobs and long hair.

Know what your own feminine strengths are and make sure you show the best of those strengths when around men. Yes, that means not talking about your achievements and goals. (Receptiveness) Yes, that means listening to him talk about his passions (admiration). Yes, that means smiling at him with warmth (radiance). You're NOT being LESS you when you let your feminine side out.

You're being the BEST you to achieve your objective. Attracting men, so that YOU have the option of filtering him out. If they don't come to you, you have nothing to select from.

To paraphrase Chris Rock, "Men are only as faithful as their options" -- I would say "Women are only as attractive as the options they attract."

Relationship books that I recommend (updated 3/16/13)

I've read many more books than below, but the ones below I think are the most helpful in understanding men.

1. Have Him at Hello by Rachel Greenwald  (added 3/6/13)
2. The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going?  by Dean C Delis
• Absolute must read if you find yourself "driving men away" OR if you find yourself pulling away from someone
3. Why He Disappeared by Evan Marc Katz
4. Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
5. Men Like Women Who Like Themselves: (And Other Secrets That the Smartest Women Know) by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
6. The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate --and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top  by Steve Santagati
7. Manslations by Jeff Mac -- I'd suggest reading his Manslations web archives. His book is a condensed version of his website, in less rambly form and with more commentary. His "golden rule" and "two questions" and how to apply them are the key takeaways.

My strategy for winning the battle of the sexes with a player

This was my checklist of do's and don'ts when I decided to see if I had the woman-power to win a player's devotion. Might work on "normal" men, too. No guarantees.

How to Act/React

• Reward the man and ignore the player
• Maintain your Feminine Mystique -- He's on a need to know basis on everything. Don't volunteer any info, especially on past relationships or anything negative
• Have to be ok with walking away from relationship with him. If at any point you're not willing to walk away, then you will lose before even playing.
• In texts, be inviting...ask questions; avoid declarative sentences
• Absolutely NO NUDGING -- Do NOTHING -- DON'T INITIATE CONTACT!!!
• Give what is asked for but don't offer anything
• He wants to wonder what you are doing. So let him. -- Don't tell him where you are nor where you've been nor where you're going. Be vague. Let him think you're going on a hot date.
• Ignore suspected mass texts ("Where r u?") at night -- only respond when you're willing to be his booty call, should he choose you. And you have to be ok if he trades up after you respond. If you know that he trades up more than he takes you up, then withdraw from the field of battle. You have to be a "preferred option" to have a chance in winning this game. If he doesn't prioritize you as a booty call, he's never going to prioritize you in his "regular" life.
• Do not like him more than he likes you
• If he needs some distance, give it to him. When he comes back, welcome him. Chill out. If he doesn’t text or call you for three days, just live your life
• Let it ride -- if you're unsure how to handle a situation, let it ride until you figure out the best plan of action
• Have no expectations -- you must have the mindset of "no yesterday / no tomorrow, just this moment"
• Giving mixed signals is ok -- sometimes you really like him a lot; sometimes you like him just a little bit; sometimes you can be a little distant, but he should always know you like him. Never be cruel or cold.
• Let him be in charge
• You can have what you want if you will believe in it

Thoughts to remember: These thoughts should govern your actions if you're ever unsure what to do.

• "Men are more hung up on feelings than on looks. They stay if they feel good around you. Leave if they don't." - Evan Marc Katz -- If you have a choice between saying something that makes him feel good or something that makes him feel bad, do the former.
• "How can they miss you if you won't go away" (Source: a comedian, can't remember whom) -- The more you want to be with him, the more you stay away until HE CONTACTS YOU!
• Men equate "longing" with love. (Source: ???) Make sure you give him plenty of opportunities to long for you. If you're always underfoot, that ain't gonna happen.

What to "Be"

• Be positive. Have a positive outlook on life. Only show him your positive side. Caveat: this only works if you are at heart a positive person. If you're a sourpuss, he's going to see right through it. Or do the pump and dump. If you are not a positive person, withdraw from the field of battle before you even try anything. You're doomed to fail if you're a negative person. 
• Be ok with one and done -- if you're playing with a player, you have to be ok with the "pump and dump" -- if not ok, don't play; save yourself some heartache and withdraw from the field of battle
• You have to be ok with being his booty call
• Be fabulous
• Be unreadable
• Be complimentary
• Be receptive
• Be supportive
• Be nurturing
• Be unpredictable
• Be direct
• Be above it all
• Be ok with sharing -- if you're playing with a player, you have to be ok with sharing him with other women until you win his devotion. If you never win his devotion, withdraw from the battle or accept that you have to share. It's possible that even if you win his devotion, you may have to share. Once you win his devotion, you may have to have the exclusivity talk. But I would say if you have to have the talk, don't. Just either walk away or accept. You lose hand if you have the talk. HE has to bring up exclusivity. OR you have to be able to discern that he's being exclusive with you without the talk.
• Live and let live -- while he's living his player life, you have to live yours. Don't allow him to become the center of your universe. You have to keep him on the fringes.
• Don't EVER let him see you sweat. Let him see your anger when warranted, but never jealousy or insecurities.
• Be happy
• Be friendly
• Be the most positive honest person you that you can be
• Everything changes
• You will be surprised

Particularly interesting / helpful posts

• Never say no to sex
• The 4-date misrule (alpha male perspective) vs Can you take your pants off without having sex (female perspective) - a very interesting dichotomy of perspectives on basically the same "rule"
• Self-respect vs. Self-esteem 
• What is Feminine Grace?
• Quit worrying about infidelity!
• Fidelity without His Devotion? Unlikely! (my thoughts on this)

My take on WWNH's Options in his "Fidelity without His Devotion? Unlikely!" post

Excerpted from What Women Never Hear

Option A: “Some women embrace the idea that you are single until married, meaning that even though you might spend time with someone in a romantic context, until a man proposes, you remain free to entertain the interest of whomever you desire should you choose to do so.”  (Already described at #1434)

Option B: “Others claim that this is disloyal, unfaithful, etc. and that if you are seriously interested in someone, that interest ought to be expressed through a committed, exclusive dating relationship where both parties are off limits to anyone else so long as you are an ‘official’ couple.”

 *******************************

I've lived my entire life by Option B, always had boyfriends and was committed to them and they to me.

But this post made me rethink that and I completely agree that Option B limits a woman's options to shop for the best man, so therefore, Option A makes the most sense if you're looking for marriage.

If you're NOT looking for marriage, but a long-term partnership, then basically, you're stopping at Option B. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you want your relationship to turn into marriage, you might want to reconsider whether having a boyfriend is actually the best way to go about this.

Conversely, if you want marriage, then if you are living life via Option B (living with or have a committed boyfriend) -- you may be shooting yourself in the foot. Why would a guy want to marry if he gets the benefits of marriage without actually, at least, proposing marriage to you? Obviously the love you give him in a committed relationship is the same you would give him with the ring. So what's in it for HIM to actually marry you?

Prior to Women's Lib (and the Pill) -- I think all women were dating according to Option A. There were more marriages then, right?

Think about it!

Amendment to post #195 in EMK blog

Ok. So I posted the following reply on EMK's blog post re: Is Sex on the Third Date the New Normal? and, as always, left out some thoughts...

I'm going add in RED below what I left out...

KARMIC EQUATION #195

@Fusee 194

We’re actually not as far apart as first thought.

I agree with you that the GOAL of dating is to obtain the relationship you’re looking for (marriage, other LTR, fling, whatever)…But I still think that the APPROACH to dating is to make a friend — not to actually KEEP the person as a friend, BTW, unless you want to.

It’s always a lot easier for me to get my point across with an example, so please bear with me while I try to explain…

I was a late bloomer, didn’t have my first “real” kiss until I was 18; no dates (and virginal) until 19, which is ancient by today’s standards! I remember after I started dating but before I lost my virginity…every date I went on, I was thinking is this the guy, will I someday have sex with this one, how will it feel, is tonight the night, etc. Basically because I was so obsessed with my virginity and when I would lose it that I did not pay attention to my date as a person (compare my need then to find the right sex partner to your need now to find right marriage partner - very similar IMHO) -- and thus I treated the date as something spectacular that my life could hinge on -- instead of something more normal, like figuring out. Did I like him? Was he fun to be around? Was he a gentleman? I was so in my own head, I didn’t have time to really get to know if the guy I was on a date with was a good person, e.g., someone who had the qualities to be a good friend…because I think we can agree that the person we end up married to should be a good friend to us and a good person in general.  

AFTER I lost my viriginity, I paid attention to my dates the right way. I dated men and talked to them like my friend (not close friend, but friend) — I asked questions (not where do you live, what do you do, etc.) but things like, What did you do today? Did you have fun doing that? What did you find the most fun? Was that stressful, etc…And in doing that, I got to know my date as a person. This is what I meant by approaching dating to make a friend. Not to actually make a friend, but to make sure that there is no strange agenda in the back of your mind to keep you from seeing your date for who he is, which allows you to more clearly assess how *you* feel about the date and the guy. And you take the pressure off the date and yourself. There is no pressure if you're just trying to decide if this guy makes a good friend...but wow MEGAPRESSURE if you're trying to figure out if the guy is fit to be your "partner." That internal pressure is going to affect your behavior. Count on that. And really, the first few dates should be finding out the good qualities in the guy, not whether he's ready for an minivan in the 'burbs.

If there is attraction, then there would be flirtation…it’s natural. The conversations get slightly more personal (in a good way), in addition to the friendship questions/conversation. If there is no attraction then no flirtation. And as women and great conversationalists that we are, we can steer the no attraction conversations such that we know that they won’t ask for a 2nd date. If we like the guy, we keep it friendly and flirtatious (in a good way)…and hope our conversation and what we shared and how we shared it in that conversation would elicit a another date. Then each date we show more of who we are and get the guy to be more of who he is…and you go from their to your relationshp GOALS.

Sorry for the long post. I don’t know how to get this nuance across any other way.

Personal experience on dating/LTR

My husband (at the time a young Ryan O'Neal lookalike) asked me to ELOPE with him after only dating me for six weeks. So basically, I was *ENGAGED* after six weeks of dating. However, I actually didn't get the ring until about 3 months later...and I didn't get around to planning the wedding until about 18 months later.

• My first relationship, well, I don't really count it, lasted only a month (I was 19, gimme a break!) = Fling :) - I ended this
• My second relationship lasted 4 years = LTR - I ended this
• My  third relationship lasted 1 year = LTR - he ended this
• My fourth relationship was my marriage, which, including dating, engagement, and marriage, lasted 11 years = LTR - I ended this
• My fifth relationship, which recently ended, lasted 6 years = LTR - I ended this